My sweet angel

It is so hard to believe that 20 months ago yesterday you were born. It doesn't seem possible that you have been gone for that long. My heart aches for as it did the day you left. I know that you are in a safe place but it dosen't feel right that you are not here with me and your daddy. I miss you so much. Mother's Day is coming again, and just as last year it is going to be hard. It will always be hard without, our family is incomplete without you here. You are the reason I had a first mother's day. Just know that I hold you close to my heart and think about you all the time.
I love you and miss you baby girl.
Love,
Your Mommy

Mommy Graphics

Another baby joins you

Mackenzie, you are now joined by another very tiny angel. I thought that daddy and I were going to give Jack a little brother or sister, but God decided different. Why he keeps taking babies I will never understand, but now you have a little brother or sister up in heaven with you. I miscarried so that means no brother or sister for Jack here on earth only in heaven. One day when Jack is old enough, I am going to tell him all about you. The hopes and dreams that me and daddy had for you that will never be. I am sure he is going to ask why I always put him in a pink boppy chair anyways. But the more people I can talk about you to the better. I miss you with all of my heart. Like always there is a Mackenzie size hole in my heart that will never be filled. I miss you so much my precious angel. I cannot wait for the day that we can meet again, but until then know I love you so much and you are always thought about and loved.
~Your mommy

Another Suprise

Mackenzie you are missed my so many, and loved so much. Although you are not hear to hold, you are here fir me to talk to. You knew what was in store of us long before we did. You have picked out another brother or sister. Daddy and I just found out last Thursday that we are going to have another baby. I am excited but of course scared. I miss you more than I can describe with words. No matter how many babies daddy and I have none will ever replace you, it just makes the days a little easier till I get to hold you again. You will always be my first baby and my little girl. I hope that Grandpa Jack is taking good care of you up there and giving you lots of hugs and kisses. My heart has a Mackenzie size hole in it that will never be filled until we meet again. But until we do meet again, please watch over your little brother Jack and the new baby. I love and miss you more than words my sweet angel baby.
Love you and miss you always,
Your mommy

It seems so long ago

It seems like forever ago that I last held you in my arms. I still see your little face, so sweet, so perfect, so beautiful. Thoughts of you consume me all day. I look at your new little brother and all I see is your sweet face. I miss you so much, I have a Mackenzie size hole in my heart that will never be filled. Christmas was hard again with you, I don't think it will ever be as happy without you here. It has been almost a year and a half since you have left us and the pain has not eased, it is still there as it was the day we lost you. Little girl you will always be my baby and I will always miss you. You are my angel and I love you so much. Sending you kisses and tons of love.
xoxo,
Your mommy

Christmas is approaching quickly and all I can seem to think about is you. How we are all supposed to celebrate Christmas without you...again. It is just not fair. I miss you so much each and every day. You watched over your little brother as he was born and let me tell you ( not that you don't already know) but he looks so much like you. I see it is his lips and his cheeks. If I could just hold you and kiss you and smell you one more time. I cannot wait to see you when it is time to hold you in my arms and give you all the kisses I have not been able to give you. I cannot say it enough how much I still miss you and how much my heart still aches for you. Your in my every thought. I love you so much baby girl.
Love your mommy
xoxoxoxoxoxo

Missing you each and every day

I miss you so much, you would think that as the time passes by I would not think about you every second of every day, the pain would not hurt as much and the wound would not be as fresh. But that is not true, it hurts today just as much as it did the day you grew your wings.

I know you were with us on your birthday. We saw three dolphins swimming together, a dad, a mom and a baby. I knew that was a sign from you that you were with us. The wind was to strong so we could not light your candles but we all watched your wreath float off into the sunset and it was beautiful. I hope that you liked it, I was not sure what else to do for you. You know you will always be my baby and you are always in my heart and I love you so much!

Love you sweet girl,
Your mommy

It was a year ago today at 3:30 that we went to the OB for my weekly check up and I brought my mom in hopes of hearing okay it is time to go to the hospital, well they did say that but for not as happy of reasoning. At 3:30 on August 28 I went for a check up and no progress of dilation and when my OB put the fetal monitor on Mackenzie we heard nothing. The look on my doctors face will be one that I will never forget. They rushed me over to ultrasound where we found no blood flow and no heartbeat. From there they sent me to the hospital where I was enduced and at 3:25p.m on August 29 Mackenzie Gale was born. She weighed 5lbs. 8.1 oz and was 19.5" long. My baby was so perfect. There was no cord accident, and because the blood flow had already stopped for over 24 hours they could not do a clot test, so the reason for her passing is still unknown. All I know is that I have lived my life for the past year without my daughter and that tomorrow at 3:25 p.m. would be her first birthday. Mackenzie we miss you more and more with every day that passes. I hope that you have a Happy First Birthday with all of your new friends and know we miss you so much.
Love you,
Your mommy
xoxoxo

16 days

When I think that there is only 16 days left until what would be your first birthday I cannot help but to break down and cry. I cannot believe that a whole year has passed by since the last time I got to hold you and see your pretty face. I am having a hard time with this because I want to celebrate for you so much, but it makes to so sad to think that was the day we met and said good bye. My heart still aches for you and will continue to ache for you the rest of my life. This whole month has been really hard just knowing that it is only days left until what would be your first birthday. 16 days and you would be 1. That is so hard for me to believe... that my life has continued without my baby for 365 days, that is 8,765 hours, 525,948 minutes, 31,556,926 seconds. It gets hard to breathe when I think of it like that. My baby would be 1 on August 29, 2008 but god gave her wings to fly with instead. I have quit asking why and why us, we will not know that answer until we meet, but just because I have quit asking why doesn't mean that I don't think about you, because I think about you a million times a day, every day. The hopes and dreams that grew along with our love for you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and I cannot help but to think of the song "Who you'd be today" by Kenny Chesney and another song is not a day goes by Lonestar that brings a tear to my eye when I hear. I just wish I could hold you once again. My arms ache as much as my heart does for you. I could go on forever about how much I have missed you. I love you so much and always will.
Love you with all my heart,
your mommy

Hello My Angel

Everyone says the statement with time all things will heal. This will never heal, the whole I carry in my heart from missing you everyday. You would think that as the days go by life would get easier, but it doesn't...you just cope better and put on a fake face for everyone better.
Well as you knew before we did you are going to be a big sister to a little brother. I am just happy that everything is going well and that Jack is growing. When I think about the hopes and dreams I had for you that will never happen I cannot help but to cry. No prom, no pig tails, we won't have mother, daughter talks, I won't be there for you to get your heart broken and cry to, we won't go wedding dress shopping or even prom dress shopping. I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here. To have a daughter. I keep your picture on my desk at work and stare at those adorable toes all day long. I want to nibble on them, and kiss them. My aches for your every day and there is not a moment that goes by that I am not missing you. My world crumbled the day you grew your wings. The pieces are coming back together but they will never be whole again. I miss you and love you with all my heart.
Love you so much!
Your mommy

Another Day Without You

Hello my sweet love, it is your mommy again. I cannot stop thinking about you. Daddy and I had a weekend to ourselves this past weekend, your big sister was with her mom, no friends or family all weekend just me and daddy. It was nice but by the time we sat down for dinner on Sunday I cried my eyes out because I miss you so much. Me and daddy should not have any weekends with just the two of us. You should be here with us. It breaks my heart. I know that you are watching over us and you know how much I miss you and how much I love you. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts everyday and I miss you more than anything and I cannot wait till we can be together again.
Love you to the moon and back,
Your mommy
Courtney

Our Angel

Butterflies

Well I finally told your daddy about how often you visit me. We were out in the middle of the ocean on Saturday and you flew right by all of us. I told him later that afternoon that no matter where we are I see a small white butterfly. Then Sunday we were laying out by the pool and you flew right into his face. He looked at me with his eyes light up and said she just flew into my face and said hi dad! I just want you to know that we know that is you and we look for you wherever we are. Miss you sooo much and thought about you all weekend. You are the love of my life and I miss you more and more each day.
Love your mommy

Our first family trip with out you

Well Memorial Day is coming up this weekend. We are going to Jensen Beach with your Great Grandparents, Grandparents and Uncle Kyle. I would love to be putting your bathing suite on you and sunscreen with a little hat and putting you in a floaty in the pool. I know that you will be watching over us while we are out there that we are safe but I would do anything to have you in my arms again, to have you there with us. To listen to your sweet little giggle, even your cry. I would give anything to even hear you cry. I miss you so much baby. Just know that I am always thinking about you, and I miss you each and every day. I think we are going to be sending candles out in the ocean to you for your birthday. Dad and I are talking about what to do for your special day ( Your Grandma Sue came up with that :) ).
Love you so much,
Your mommy

Mackenzie I have had you on my mind as always but more that usual. I cannot get over the fact that we are coming up on 9 months since you have been gone. It does not seem possible that my life has gone on for 9 months with out you. My heart aches for you every day to hold you, see you, smell you. We will be together again one day. I love you with all my heart and soul. You are and always will be my baby girl.
Love your mommy

Yeah Happy Mothers Day!

Well today was the first day that I have seen the OBGYN that delivered my sweet little Mackenzie. I got myself a little worked up anticipating what he would say to me since he has not seen me or spoke to me since he delivered her on August 29th. I am shocked that he said nothing. It is not like you could forget me because I am sure it is not every day that you deliver a dead baby. It really bothers me that he treated me like a total stranger, not even the time of day. We did hear butterballs heart beat (barley) and we were done. No questions, no answers, just hello and good bye. I guess it just angers me so much that a doctor could be so incompetent especially after dealing with a case like mine. Yeah I guess that was my Happy Mothers Day present right?!

A Mother's Day Poem From My Angel

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven. She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried. I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do? My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well. So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth She needs to be honored, and remembered too Just as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

"A Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.They never talk about my shoes.To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.There are many pairs in this world.Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown

Wearing the pants

Another day has passed. How do I keep breathing without my baby being here in my arms. We are so excited about being pregnant...going on 13 weeks here...but the pain still stabs in my heart. My daughter so perfect and beautiful just swept away with the blink of an eye. So excited to welcome her to this crazy world and we only got to meet her for a short time. Today I wore my maternity clothes for the first time well just the pants because I already had them from being pregnant with Mackenzie and when I put them on all I could think about was the last time I had worn them. The day I found out. I sat down and cried my eyes out. 8 months and a day and I am wearing the same pants. I shouldn't be wearing these pants I should be giggling with my baby, changing her diaper, trying to get her to say mommy. But I will hear those sweet words one day when we meet in heaven. I love and miss my baby girl every day, more and more.
xoxoxo,
your mommy

8 Months

Today it has been 8 months since I found out that you grew your wings. Tomorrow is your 8 month birthday but you are not hear. As I have mentioned before I cannot believe my life has gone on for the past 8 months with out you. I have cried oceans and rivers of tears because my heart aches so much for you. I miss you more each and the pain does not ease. Your beautiful face so sweet and soft. You yourself so innocent and pure. I do not know how I get out of bed each day and carry on with my life here without you but I know you are up there in heaven watching over us being our guardian angel. We miss you and love you so much!
Love your mommy!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Living

I never thought it would be so hard to go on day to day. I never thought that every thought that goes through my head is consumed with my daughter. I will never know what her favorite color is, what her laugh sounds like, what her smile looks like, see her graduate high school, get married. Instead we got to hold her, cry about her, and bring her home, not in our arms but in a urn. I hate it when people tell me how strong I am. I am not strong, I am just here till I can be with my daughter again. I know nobody says life is fair but this is the most unfair that I think life can be.
We think about you each and everyday. We miss you more and more each day that passes. We love you so much sweetie.
xoxo,
Your mom and dad

Our Angel Mackenzie

Make a scrapbook - it's easy!

Make a photobook - it's easy!

A New Light

Well baby girl, I know that you knew this before me and daddy but you are going to be a big sister. I know I told God he owed me double for what he has done to us with you but I will just be happy to take our baby home this time. I miss you so much and I do feel guilty about getting pregnant again. I found out on Friday night when we got home from dinner with Grandpa, we went out because we did not want to sit at home and cry that our lives have continued for the past 6 months without. That for me is one of the hardest facts to face. I want to hold, smell you, play with your little fingers and toes. We love you so much! We have not told anyone yet so help us to keep it a secret. You were our peanut and your little sister or brother is our little butterball since he / she will be born in November. This does not make me miss you any less and definatly does not fill any kind of void. That is for sure. But thank you for understanding and giving us the blessing to have another chance. You will always be our baby and you will always be missed every moment of every day. Love you little one!

Your mommy and daddy

6 MONTHS HAVE GONE BY

In a few days it will have been 6 months since you said hello and good bye all at once. Not a day goes by with out a million thoughts about you. I miss you no less as everyday passes on. I speak of you to everyone still. I have to speak about you, you are real, you are my daughter and you are missed more than anyone could ever imagine. You are my angel. Give everyone kisses for me. Since you have gone to heaven I have a phrase that has stuck with me...with time not all things will heal. You growing your wings like you did with out a hug or kiss goodbye no time can heal the pain that brings on. My heart is broken until we meet again. I love you and I miss you more with each day that passes.
Love you baby girl,
Love your mom

It has been 5 months 2 weeks and a day since we've held you baby girl. Day to day life is getting easier but the pain does not go away. My birthday was the other day and I wanted to let my ballons go so she could celebrate my birthday with me. But I know she is up there in heaven watching us and she knows she is loved, and missed every minute of every day. She is up there with her Grandpa Jack and the rest of the family. We will join you one day but till then they are watching over you, you'd better be on your best behavior. :) Oh sweetie I miss you so much!
Love,
Your mommy

5 months and 1 day

It has been 5 months and a day since our baby grew her wings. It is hard to imagine that our lives have continued after this tragedy for the past 5 months. It beaks my heart but I also know how strong we are if we can make it. I have missed her every day, every hour, every minute. I hate that we could not be together for Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. I cannot believe that all of that time has gone by with out our precious little one. As each sunrise I think of you and my heart is full of sorrow, but with every sunset I am reassured that we will be together again.

January 24,2006

Well we are coming up on 5 months since Mackenzie grew her wings and joined God. Everybody keeps saying how well I am doing. I lie to all of them because I am not doing well at all. At least this week. For some reason this week has been really hard for me. I make a wish every night to let me dream about Mackenzie. Oh, she was so beautiful. When I do dream about her I get to hold her, look into her eyes and touch her little feet. Her feet were not that little for a baby (she got my feet) but I want to hold her, hear her little gurggling and kooing. Oh how much she is missed.
I must say it does help to have a place where I can be open about. I just take every day as it comes and take the good days with the bad days. What else can you do.

Hugs and Kisses

Our baby girl. I cannot stop thinking about her today. She is always on my mind but today I cannot seem to get anything done because all I can think about is her. She would be 4 and a half months old this week. The time is flying by and I cannot help but to think what she would be doning if she were here with us. What color eyes she would have, how big she would be, just to watch her grow. She is missed so much not only by her father and myself but by her big sister, great grandparents, grandparents, anuts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc. She was going to be the first grandchild from my generation in our family. She still is the first grandchild in our generation, she is just extra special and was born with wings right into God's arms. Sleep peacefully sweetheart.
xoxo from your mom and dad.

Our Story

Mackenzie was the perfect baby as she formed. 10 perfect fingers and toes. Everyone feel in love with our little girl. Everything was perfect for 39 weeks. At my 39 week check up the doctors heard no heartbeat. From there we went to the ultrasound room where there was not blood flowing through the umbilicalcord and her heart had stopped.
From the doctors office we proceeded to the hospital where I was induced. At 3:39 in the afternoon our beautiful daughter was born. She was so beautiful.
God made the decision that she was to perfect for earth and gave her, her wings before she could take her first breath of air here on earth. She is one of God's angels that are watching over us cradled in the sway of the moon. We love her to the moon and back and miss her each and every day. We cannot wait to be reunited with our baby angel.

Missing Mackenzie

Our little girl joined the angels on August 29, 2007. We miss her so much each and every day that passes. God is watching over her and she is watching over us. One day we will meet and the angels will sing.